Better Days

HERE'S THE SITUATION (and by situation I mean the conversation we've been having):

LAST NIGHT!!!
Me: Seriously, are you mad at me?
Cameron: Aggravated I guess you could say. I mean, if you don't want to do something that's okay but the whole changing your mind thing I really don't like.
(then he did get the text I sent him...)
TODAY!!!
Me: Did you get my text last night? (obviously not...)
Cameron: No what did you say?
Me: Okay, well I was just replying to you but it was kind of late.
Cameron: Oh okay do you still have the message so you can resend it?
Me: Yeah I will I don't know if it will make any sense but I'll send it anyway.
Me: Okay I understand where that's coming from and I really want to explain myself to you but I don't think you would want to hear about it so I don't know what to say.
Cameron: Just say what you want to I would rather you do that then what you've been doing. (which according to him is changing my mind about wanting to be with him?!)
Me: Okay well it's a little more complicated than that and I know I'm being all cryptic and I'm sorry about that but I'm just in deep shit right now and to explain why I've been acting this way I would have to explain a lot of shit that went down over the past few years and I don't know if I want to get into that.
Cameron: Ok. (SERIOUSLY?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!)
Me: Seriously, don't be mad. It's not you I just have problems with talking about stuff like this with people I'm not close to.
Cameron: Well I'm sorry you're going through stuff right now maybe we shouldn't see each other for a while.

Seriously? Who says I'm not with a female? He's pissed off I'm not retarded I can tell!!! I'll keep updating as the day goes on...

Come On Closer

So I just realized something. I have just returned to middle school. Seriously. Freaking out about CAMERON (not the same one obvi but it's the name that counts), getting mad at people for lame ass stuff, having those extreme mood swings, only wanting to talk to a few select people, the whole hiding any lying cycle starting all over... Strange things happen.

Is it a sign that Everything You Want by Vertical Horizon just came on?

He's everything you want
He's everything you need
He's everything inside of you
That you wish you could be
He says all the right things
At exactly the right time
But he means nothing to you
And you don't know why

I think it could be. I have no idea what to tell him about what's going on. I think that shit's too deep and I don't want him to think I want this deep, serious relationship. Because I don't. But how else is he going to know that I'm not trying to push him away?! It's just happening. I went through hell and back to get to the place I am now and I'm not going to let him fuck me over. Text me back, dammit.

So Much Left Unsaid

Hate ( ) Relationship
A terzanelle of sorts...


When words we spoke and took offense
were turned to subtle lies
we shook our hands and made amends
but passion slowly dies.

I hadn't seen your face before
when turned toward subtle lies.

You winced at me your eyes dark lures
to deeper problem sets.
I'd never scorned your face before
though force and hatred met.

I saw love at greatest heights
not deeper problem sets.

Out of body I fought our fights,
looked past you stifling mind,
impossible it was to see our love at greatest heights.

Breaks can't heal with ample time,
so stifling your mind.
The words we spit we took offense
too shaken now to make amends.

Can you guess who it's about? Amazing I wrote it even BEFORE she sent me that fucked up message on Facebook.

Spark

I am so happy I went over to Cameron's last night. Like, I am so glad to have things all figured out with me, and I guess with us. I was so nervous about it. I feel so stupid. I don't know. Like I feel like he's being really genuine right now. We talked about A LOT. And not just like little trivial things like we usually do. I don't even care if this goes anywhere. I just really enjoy having him as a friend. :]

But anyways our situation's not that complicated. Like I wasn't sure what I wanted out of this whole thing, like a relationship or what, but I think I can handle what we're doing. He told me he just enjoys hanging out with me and having a good time and he doesn't want anything serious. And I think it was really good for me to hear that because it takes so much pressure off of me. Like I can walk away from this at anytime I feel uncomfortable without going through a break-up. He was just really honest with me and I really appreciate that. And he was cute about it, too. You know, after he told me he didn't want to get serious he was just like "but I want you to know I'm not gonna go out and check out a bunch of other girls." And I think that's really respectable. Cause I'm not gonna go out and check out a bunch of people. Because I am going to college in the fall and trying to start something now is completely pointless. I'm just going to have a good time and see wherever this takes me. :]

Hey, Stupid Boy

I love making iTunes playlists that have everything to do with my life.

What Do You Want From Me-Adam Lambert
Bulletproof-La Roux
So What-Pink
Fucking Boyfriend-The Bird and The Bee

So far. Listen to those songs though if you don't know what they are. Guess who it's for? :]

Phobias

Agraphobia-Fear of sexual abuse.
Gephyrophobia-Fear of bridges or of crossing them.
Carcinophobia-Fear of cancer.
Lockiophobia-Fear of childbirth.
Xenophobia-Fear of strangers.
Lilapsophobia-Fear of hurricanes or tornadoes.
Demophobia-Fear of mobs, or big crowds.
Virginitiphobia-Fear of rape.
Harpaxophobia-Fear of being robbed.
Podophobia-Fear of feet.
Coulrophobia-Fear of clowns.
Agoraphobia-Fear of open spaces or of being in crowded, public places. Fear of leaving a safe place.


Okay, obviously I don't have all these phobias because my fears aren't that extreme (except for the one about bridges, and feet but you know) but it's funny to see what they're called. :]

What Do You Want From Me

Okay, I know this is going to be lame but I heard this on VH1 this morning and I think it fits right now. Like, scarily fits.

Hey, slow it down whataya want from me
Whataya want from me
Yeah I’m afraid whataya want from me
Whataya want from me

There might have been a time
When I would give myself away
Oooh once upon a time I didn’t give a damn
But now, here we are so whataya want from me
Whataya want from me

(CHORUS)
Just don’t give up I’m workin it out
Please don’t give in, I won’t let you down
It messed me up, need a second to breathe
Just keep coming around
Hey, whataya want from me
Whataya want from me
Whataya want from me

Yeah, it’s plain to see (plain to see)
that baby you’re beautiful
And there's nothing wrong with you
(nothing wrong with you)
It’s me, I’m a freak (yeah)
but thanks for lovin’ me
Cause you’re doing it perfectly
(it perfectly)

Yeah, there might have been a time
When I would let you slip away
I wouldn’t even try
But I think you could save my life

(CHORUS)

Just don’t give up on me
(uuuuuuh) I won’t let you down
No, I won’t let you down

(So I) just don’t give up
I’m workin it out
Please don’t give in, I won’t let you down
It messed me up (It messed me up)
Need a second to breathe
Just keep coming around
Hey, whataya want from me

(CHORUS)

Okay, so it might be Adam Lambert but it's an okay song and I'm actually really freaked out by this. Especially this morning. It's like, I think I have it all figured out right, and then I freak out again. He's only the SECOND PERSON EVER who I've told what happened...Like, the whole story. And I mean, he didn't freak out which I was expecting him to but I don't know if it's going to change anything.

Okay, don't get me wrong. He's attractive. REALLY ATTRACTIVE. I seriously think the only thing that would make him more attractive is if he got his eyebrow pierced. :] But anyways, I just feel like things are going really fast and this is going to end up being a completely sexual relationship. And like part of me is okay with that but I don't want him to think that I'm going to give it all up, because I'm not. PUT A RING ON IT. And by ring, I mean wedding ring, not purity ring.

Okay, so as stupid as it sounds I still consider myself a virgin. I mean, I know technically I'm not but I feel like since my virginity was taken under someone else's circumstances it's fair for me to still be a virgin. Does that make any sense at all? It does to me. Like, I want to talk to him about it but he's not a very talkative person. Like talkative about our feelings. I sound like such a girl. I'm just confused. Messed up. Do I regret anything that happened in the past few days? I DON'T KNOW. That's what's scary. I don't want to let myself get into another situation like that. And, okay, I know it happened two years ago but this whole Cameron thing is seriously just bringing back all that shit. FML.