Save Me

I wish I was on of those people that could sit for hours in front of a computer and type about everything that comes into mind. I'm too picky. Every sentence I write has to be perfect and make complete sense. I get so into fixing my writing that I completely lose sight of what I was writing about in the first place. Maybe this time I'll just write and see where it takes me.

And now I can't think of anything to write about. Nothing seems worthwhile. I have no effort to put into this. I wish I was better at just writing how I feel. Everything has to be so perfect to me. I wish I could just let all my feelings out and not have to worry about the flow or the grammar or any of the junk we learn in English class. But I can't do that. I feel like I need to segway into each separate idea that I have. Which, when you think about it, is not the way true thoughts are formed. Right now I'm listening to the most upbeat music and all I can think about are the most depressing things about my life. I guess that was enough of a segway.

Everywhere I look I feel like I can see Tim. It disgusts me even to type his name but I need to get over the name. Not everyone named Tim is a rapist, but the only one I got to know is and now whenever I hear that name I will not be able to forget that. I wish that I could party with my guy friends again. The past couple of times anyone's had a party I can't even will myself to go because of drunk guys and that one experience I had. But in my defense it was quite a horrible experience to have had. I just want to be able to trust all the guys I know again. I can still feel myself cringe every time they're near. Yes, of course I know that not all guys are horrible, but I still can't get over it.

For so long I've talked about how comfortable I've become in my own body, and thinking about this incident makes me realize that I'm not, not even close. I can't stand almost every part of myself, but complaining just makes it worse. I hate looking of pictures of my whole body. It just makes me realize how much weight I've gained since last summer. And right as I started to get back on track IT happened. I know it's almost been a year, and I know that getting over it is the best thing to try and do, but I still hold on to hope that he will apologize and we can go back to having our whirlwind romance with all the joys of being loved. The sad thing is, I know I would go back to him if he asked. That's going to be the death of me.

So long for now, I'll leave you with a verse.

Is that what Heaven is like--four seconds
and a splash? You spend your whole like afraid
of stepping out of the body that has become
all you know. And when you do step out,
or leap from that windy edge into all of that
brightening light, maybe you'll wish
you could go back and die over and over.

-Heaven; Billy Merrell